If you’re a woman who has difficulty achieving orgasm, you’re probably feeling both frustrated and slightly lacking in sexual self-esteem. After all, the one thing that you want to do is to be able to show your man that he is a good lover, and that he is able to satisfy you in bed.
Conversely, if you’re a man in partnership with a woman who has difficulty reaching orgasm, you’re probably feeling not good enough in bed, and have a low sexual self-esteem because you can’t actually bring your partner to the point of her ultimate pleasure during the most intimate act of lovemaking.
Often lack of orgasm in a woman (sometimes called anorgasmia) is caused by sexual abuse during childhood, in which case professional help may be needed. But much more often it’s simply a lack of learning: a lack of the ability to relax into sex fully and open one’s whole being to one’s lover, or a lack of the ability to reach orgasm simply because your body hasn’t really been trained by past experience to do it easily.
This may sound like a bit of a conundrum! But the reality is that for most women, orgasm is a learned response, and without the right tuition or the right experience, the beautiful experience of sexual climax may remain elusive for a lifetime.
As you’ve probably guessed by now, the good thing about anorgasmia is that it’s easy to overcome. You don’t necessarily “need” to be orgasmic during sexual intercourse – indeed, very few women actually do reach climax during intercourse (probably no more than 10% and conceivably quite a lot less). But it is a very good and pleasurable thing to be able to reach orgasm using manual or oral stimulation.
In my experience of over 10 years building websites that are designed to help people achieve greater sexual satisfaction, the two main complaints from men and women are: the frustration caused by a woman’s inability to reach orgasm; and the fact that men in general want sex more often than women do. So here’s an interesting idea: if orgasm was more rewarding for a woman (which means the sexual experience would be more rewarding), and she could have orgasms more easily and more often, there would be a much lower disparity between men and women in their desire for sex, simply because sex would be so much more enjoyable for the female partner.
And that is where training programs that are designed to help women achieve orgasm can be very useful. The interesting thing is that the techniques that are taught by these programs are often not really very complicated, including such things as the location of the G spot, how to stimulate the G spot, methods of clitoral stimulation that are satisfying for a woman, and tuition in information about differences between men and women when it comes to such things as foreplay.
So, for example, a good program would focus on the need for extensive foreplay since women have lower levels of testosterone than men and take longer to become sexually aroused. The idea of foreplay often seems to put men off, but it needn’t – mutual caressing and kissing, intimate connection, and gentle eye gazing or conversation with your lover can lead to a deep feeling of connection which brings a couple much closer together and produces much more harmony in their relationship.
The only reason that men don’t engage more fully in foreplay is that they feel an urge to achieve orgasm as soon as possible, even at the expense of their partner’s satisfaction. By curbing the desire to have an orgasm as soon as possible, and by ensuring that the needs of the female partner for gentle stimulation are fully met, a man can ensure that when intercourse does occur it is much more rewarding for both partners, producing high arousal, more intense climax, and a greater feeling of fulfillment afterwards.
Of course 10 or 20 minutes of foreplay may ensure that a woman is much more likely to reach orgasm during oral pleasure or masturbation, but it may make no difference to the intensity of her orgasm. This is where knowledge of a whole range of vaginal and clitoral stimulation techniques can be very useful. There’s long been a debate about the difference between vaginal and clitoral orgasms, but for most purposes it doesn’t really matter.
What we do know is that a woman can be brought to orgasm by either internal vaginal stimulation on a particular area of tissue called the G spot or by external stimulation on the clitoris. It generally takes somewhat longer to bring a woman to orgasm with vaginal stimulation than with clitoral stimulation, but women who do experience vaginal orgasms report them as being more fulfilling and satisfying, almost as though the sexual energy was passing through the entire body rather than just through the pelvic region, and they also report that vaginal orgasms have a much deeper emotional component.
The interesting thing is that when I have taught a couple how to achieve vaginal orgasm, both the man and the woman report that their sex life has improved dramatically. This is because once a woman has had a vaginal orgasm by manual stimulation she usually wants to engage in sexual intercourse with her partner. (Often just one or two fingers rubbing the G spot can produce a beautiful orgasm, sometimes complemented by what is known as female ejaculation, a phenomenon where a woman releases fluid from glands inside the urethra at the point of orgasm. When this happens, women report that the intensity of their orgasm is multiplied several fold.)
And for a man, sex after a vaginal orgasm is much more satisfying because the woman with whom he’s making love is fully aroused – that is to say, her internal tissues are fully swollen, completely moist, and extremely warm. It’s satisfying in the extreme for a man to enter a woman when she is at the highest possible peak of her own arousal, and this is achieved through vaginal orgasm. It’s a perfect blend of physical and emotional satisfaction for both partners, which is why I regard it as essential for any couple who want to aspire to a good sex life to learn the techniques of G spot stimulation and vaginal orgasm. There are plenty of opportunities to do this through downloadable training programs available on the Internet.
Rod Phillips writes for many websites on sexual and relationship issues. Find out more about ways to offer pleasure to a woman at Orgasm Arts -Orgasm Blueprint.